Are You There God? It's Me, Danielle.

I feel like I have to put a disclaimer on this because inevitably someone will take what I say personally, or the wrong way. Below I share some thoughts about religion (my lack of actually) and nothing I say is meant to question your beliefs or you as a person. These are just my thoughts and my own experiences, and it's important to me that you know that I respect ALL of you, all of your beliefs, and your right to practice, or to not practice any religion you so choose. The beauty of this world is that we are all so different, and I love that this is a safe place for me to share pieces of my life. Thank you.

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There isn't much talk in blog-land about being a non-believer. There's a lot of religious talk, a lot of "I believe," and many beautiful sentiments about life and thoughts and talk of whatever god people want to put their faith into. But there isn't a lot about the lack of god or lack of belief from the other side. I am one of that other side, someone who doesn't follow a religion, and someone who isn't really sure if they believe in anything, really. I believe in Science, if that counts. But as far as a god, or an afterlife, or even a higher power of any kind, I'm not sure. And my "not sure" leans a lot more towards no.

It's kind of scary to put that out there, when I know that it's easy to judge, but it is what it is and that's me. I have plenty of close friends who are religious, and plenty who aren't. In my world it doesn't make a difference to me what you believe in, just that you are a good person with a kind heart.

I grew up Catholic, going to a big, beautiful church in our New Jersey town. I was baptized as a baby, received Communion in the 2nd grade, and was confirmed in the 7th. I can still recite the entire Catholic mass, beginning to end, and have vivid memories of the confessional, memorizing the Ten Commandments, and even scary Monsignor Donovan who would slap your cheek if you took Communion the wrong way. I loved Church growing up, but not for any reason other than I thought that all of the rituals were fun, and I enjoyed hearing the stories each Sunday in class. Most of our friends attended with us, and I even had my first kiss right outside of those big wooden doors in the 6th grade.

We moved to Arizona when I was 14 and we went to a new church a few times, but my Mom stopped making us go, so eventually we stopped going all together. My Dad was actually born and raised in South America, where he traveled with his Reverend father and missionary family translating the bible, but by the time he became a parent himself he had taken a few steps back. My Mom was raised Catholic and attended a very strict private Catholic school and at that point still attended church on special occasions, but without the pull of our friends and our holiday traditions, we all slowly stopped attending.

In college I met quite a few friends who considered themselves atheists. For awhile I thought I could identify with that group, but I soon figured out that labeling myself as that was the same as labeling myself a believer. I wasn't sure either way. And at the same time I wasn't really agnostic because I wasn't sure if I believed in anything at all.

Maybe it's weird but this has never been a big deal to me. I'm not searching to figure it out, and to be honest, religion (or my lack of), doesn't cross my mind most of the time. Recently it's only been a bit more in the forefront as the election looms closer and there's this huge debate regarding the separation church and state, but for the most part it's a non-issue. At times I feel like it would be a bit easier to have a religion, to have faith in something. But at this point in my life, and maybe for always, I know that's not for me. If I had to really talk about my beliefs, what I think really happens when we die, I look towards physics and science and astronomy. I look to people like Carl Sagan, who I find to be incredibly inspiring, and whose words almost always make me think. Science is my jam. And on the other side of the coin I gravitate towards some Buddhist principles too. Really, I am open to the possibility that one day I might say, "Oh, hi there God. So there you are." And I'm also open to the fact that it's highly possible that when I die, I just die.

In a way, I think this outlook has allowed me to be fully in the now. This is my one chance to live and to love this life with everything I've got. At the end of the day I can say to the universe, "THANK YOU," and maybe someone's listening, and maybe they aren't. But I have gratitude, I have a love in my heart for every single day I am given on this Earth, and for now, that's enough for me.

I'll leave you with one of Hank and my very favorite quotes from Ann Druyan, best known as the wife of the late Carl Sagan:

"When my husband died, because he was so famous and known for not being a believer, many people would come up to me — it still sometimes happens — and ask me if Carl changed at the end and converted to a belief in an afterlife. They also frequently ask me if I think I will see him again. Carl faced his death with unflagging courage and never sought refuge in illusions. The tragedy was that we knew we would never see each other again. I don’t ever expect to be reunited with Carl. But, the great thing is that when we were together, for nearly twenty years, we lived with a vivid appreciation of how brief and precious life is. We never trivialized the meaning of death by pretending it was anything other than a final parting. Every single moment that we were alive and we were together was miraculous — not miraculous in the sense of inexplicable or supernatural. We knew we were beneficiaries of chance… That pure chance could be so generous and so kind… That we could find each other, as Carl wrote so beautifully in Cosmos, you know, in the vastness of space and the immensity of time… That we could be together for twenty years. That is something which sustains me and it’s much more meaningful…

The way he treated me and the way I treated him, the way we took care of each other and our family, while he lived. That is so much more important than the idea I will see him someday. I don’t think I’ll ever see Carl again. But I saw him. We saw each other. We found each other in the cosmos, and that was wonderful."

Why I Don't Mind Turning 30

via

This is one of the many pieces I'll be re-sharing here over the next year. This originally published on Hello Giggles, but since I am not writing for them anymore, it's important to me to have all of my writing in one place. If this is the second time you've seen this, I hope you don't mind too much! Enjoy. 

Today is my 30th birthday, and I can’t even tell you the amount of times I’ve had people make a huge deal out of this shift into a new decade. Nine times out of ten, I hear my peers commiserating over “30," saying it in whispered tones, turning 30 into the Voldemort of birthdays. Growing up I can still remember a friend’s older sister who celebrated her 29th birthday four times, and I have a cousin who to this day won’t recognize the fact that she entered her 30s…in the ’90s.

But why do we have such an aversion to ending our 20s?  What about 30 is so scary?

As for me, my 20s were amazing. Wild. Beautiful, even.  In between all of life’s important moments, the bullet points on the broad timeline of this past decade, there’s been a whole lot of figuring it out – “it” being, you guessed it, life. Now, at the fairly young age of newly-30 I still have a long, long way to go, but I am fairly certain that as my life goes on, I will look back to my 20s as a time of self-discovery. And if that is indeed the case, then I am hoping that my 30s will be a time to enjoy all of the “stuff” I figured out.

I think some people are scared of 30 because it feels like the end of youth, that it’s a distinct marker between being young and getting older. I’ve talked to a few girl friends about it, and some have told me that it’s a birthday that makes them feel not only old, but as if they should be doing something. And more often than not, their something doesn’t exactly match up to their fantasy of what a 30-year old should be doing.

It’s hard trying to measure up when you’ve created an imaginary ruler in your mind. And I think it’s easy to get caught up with dreading birthdays rather than celebrating them. But when you really think about it, is there a more joyous occasion than marking the passing of a year, noting all of its lessons, trials and triumphs, and gearing up for a new one?

As I leave behind my 20s, I’m excited. I don’t mind turning 30, and here’s why:

Like I said above, I loved this past decade. But so much of it was spent trying to find myself, and with that comes a roller-coaster of emotion. During these past 10 years I became an adult. I went away to college and learned more about myself than I could have ever imagined. I dated the wrong guys and figured out exactly the kind of qualities I wanted in a partner. I made new friends, I lost some old ones. I realized that the only constant in this world is change, and sometimes the hardest part of growing up is letting go of relationships that I thought would last forever.  But the silver lining? Realizing that life is all about meaningful connections. And knowing this allows me to keep “quality over quantity” in mind and put time and effort into those who matter, forging strong bonds with just a few people rather than many.

To me, turning 30 is exciting. I know who I am, I know what I want out of life and for the most part, I’ve figured out how to get there. It’s not even about accomplishments; married or not, children or none, career or still figuring it out – it’s about self-realization and being able to say, “Hey, you- I love you!” to that reflection in the mirror. Accepting myself has been the hardest journey of all, and although I’m not there yet, I’m a heck of a lot closer than I was at 21.

And the best part? I’m at a point where I fully realize that I am the master of my own destiny. The maker of my day. The determiner of my future. I’ve grown up and away from blaming others for my mistakes or unhappiness. I’ve learned that I can look to no one else when I fail or succeed. It’s all me. And I now know that it’s futile to try to live up to anyone else’s idea of success or happiness. This is my one life, and I’m sure as hell not going to waste it trying to people-please. Everyone will always have an opinion, but unlike my 20-something self, my 30 year old self now knows to take what others say with a grain of salt. I will never be able to please ‘em all. Each individual in this wide, wide world has an idea of what living this life is to them, and my choices will always, always go against someone’s, somehow.

So as I look back and think about all of the things I’ve learned, I feel lucky that everything I’m taking away from this decade I get to practice in a new one. My 30s are a time for taking care of myself and being healthy.  It’s about enjoying the time I have and savoring every single moment with my loved ones. It’s about being kind.  It’s about looking back at the beautiful naivety of my 20s with humor and acceptance, and realizing that it’s all brought me to this very moment.

And so I welcome in this next decade. I’m excited. Bring out the party hats, the noise makers, put up the streamers and blow up the balloons!  I couldn’t be happier to enter this next chapter, a time that I wholeheartedly believe will be the best yet. And I hope you’ll join me. I’m so over feeling like I should dread each impending birthday, especially this one. I want to celebrate everywhere I’ve been and everywhere I’m going. I want to live this one life of mine- really, really live it- and at the end of my journey I want to look back down the road and feel a sense of pride and accomplishment that I truly did.

So I say bring it on 30, I’m ready for you!

Hello, Friday morning!

What took me so long to listen to my Mom and finally go lighter? It's not the hugest change, but I still feel like it makes a big difference.

Hello, Friday morning! It's 9am, I'm currently at my parents' house, and I just put a cranky Henry down for his morning nap and I'm sitting in my old bedroom.  For the longest time my parents' left my room exactly as I had left it when I went away to college. There were pictures on every shelf, books stacked on top of more books, and all of my extra clothing stored in the closet. It was always weird to come back to- it was like a time capsule in a way- my high school life staring right at me each weekend I spent time here. But now it's all put away, the walls have been painted over, the shelves have come down. It's still so funny though, to be able to open up these big closet doors and take a box down and look back through all of those memories. I even have shoeboxes full of notes from junior high. Bizarre.

In other news, tonight begins the start of my 30th birthday weekend! My birthday isn't actually until next Tuesday but today Andy flies in from Seattle, so we'll be doing dinner and RITA'S ITALIAN ICE (all caps necessary, of course) tonight with Anita before the actual party starts tomorrow. I'm so excited to have almost all of my closest girlfriends in one place at one time and I feel like my heart may burst from happiness. I don't know any of the details- it's a half-surprise party- but I do know that we're doing manis/pedis first, then heading over to the resort. What resort we're staying at, I have no clue, but knowing that Hank, Shirley and Autumn planned it I'm sure it's going to be awesome. Such a treat!

Lately I've been feeling just so happy. And not my normal, life-is-good happy, but a happy that's coming from this deep part of me that feels like "this is it." Does that make sense? I feel like I always had this dream or idea of what I had hoped would happen in my life, and as many times as I felt lost or that I'd never figure it out...I'm here, living it. And I'm sure it has to do with my impending birthday but I'm just feeling extra-thoughtful and very, very thankful for everything. It sure isn't perfect, but it's perfect to me, and while I sit here in my old room it's so much easy to see how far I've come, thinking back through all the memories this place is a part of.

So. I'm going to abruptly change the subject here and talk about a couple (and some silly) things I'm loving right now:

1. The Bachelorette. Okay this I think I might say this every season (except Jason's season because he was really annoying), but this one is my favorite. I really love Emily and think she has some great guys. My number one pick is that adorable Jef. Isn't he cute? How about you- do you have a favorite?

2. I do this thing where I eat the same lunch everyday until I get sick of it. I'll usually go about a week and then switch off, but this particular lunch has been happening for about a week and a half now. Are you ready for this amazing-ness? I cook a Dr. Praeger's California Veggie burger, then take an Ezekial tortilla (one of my favorite food items in the whole world), sprinkle some cheese on half of it, plop the cooked veggie burger on it and kind of mash it down to be flat on that half of the tortilla, then cook it like a quesadilla. Then I'll open it and add a ton of veggies, fold it up like a big taco and enjoy. It's seriously so good.

3. The Great Gatsby. I am so excited about this movie, and I'm excited that Baz Luhrmann did it. I have a huge soft spot for this adaptation of Romeo and Juliet (although the Zefirelli version will always be my number one), and I think it looks awesome. I taught the book to my sophomores many times, and I'm looking forward to see what this adaptation looks like.

And now I'm going to abruptly change the subject again to wish all of you a great weekend! I am pushing my summer reading list part two to post in a couple of weeks, so keep your eyes peeled for that. And can I mention for a second how much I am loving this series? I really enjoy that it's such a short little post, but it packs a little punch with those pretty photos! I love seeing what books these women pick as they email their posts to me, and I have about a hundred amazing folks lined up to share their choices over the next months.

So now I'm off to try and get ready before Henry wakes up (poor little guy is teething like crazy), but I'm sending you a million happy weekend wishes! xoxo

edited to add: I got a few question in the comments about the dress I have on. It's from Target! I think it's even in the sale section right now. :)

Normal, Everyday Kind of Days

Lately we've been having a whole lot of normal, everyday kind of days. Nothing really special, or out of the ordinary. No big trips or fancy lunch dates. Just Henry and me, hanging out, doing our thing.

Most mornings Henry wakes up at 6:30am, but both his Dad and I have learned that he prefers to lounge about in bed, rolling around in his blanket, and slowly wake up on his own. And finally, at around 7am, he'll usually stand up and announce to the world he's ready to join it. This morning I swear he yelled out, "Alright, I'm up!" his big, toothy good morning-grin evident even in the small monitor's screen.

And so I go in, turn off the noise machine, turn off the camera, and tuck his ever-rotating stuffed animals under the covers in the corner of the crib (we'll see them at naptime, Henry!). I get my big-little baby changed, and then we head out to the kitchen where his cup of milk is waiting for him. Henry drinks in his chair while watching PBS, and while I make him breakfast. His typical first meal is either a waffle or piece of Ezekial toast with almond butter. Sometimes he'll have a slice of quiche or a bowl of oatmeal but he always has fresh fruit- raspberries, strawberries, and bananas, or whatever we have on hand.

He'll sit in his chair and eat slowly while he watches Sesame Street, his blonde bedhead bobbing up and down as he belly laughs along with his favorite characters. After we both eat the television goes off and we do a whole lot of playing. Sometimes we'll go on a walk, sometimes we'll run around in the yard, sometimes we'll curl up in the front room on the brown couch and read for a good hour. He  always likes to always be doing an activity, getting into something, or perfecting his newest hobby, climbing onto things he shouldn't.

During these kinds of days when we stay home, the rest of the day goes by in a whirlwind- naptime, lunchtime, snacktime, naptime again. Then Hank gets home and it's dinnertime-bathtime-storytime-bedtime. And at the end of our everyday-day when Henry is tucked into bed, and Hank and I are relaxing on the couch, I often find myself feeling so grateful for all of the little moments I've gotten to experience over the past ten or so hours. The simple things that made me smile- our routines, the way it feels to work on something everyday with Henry and then finally see him "get it" (like today, with the colors and shapes)...the "mmm" sound he makes when he really likes his lunch, or the way his face lights up when he figures out a puzzle piece that's been frustrating him. It's just neat. And even though we do manage to have lots and lots of special trips and fun outings, I think my most favorite days are these quiet, slower ones at home.

I feel lucky I have this little person in my life to remind me to stop and notice these things. This morning I was putting dishes away when I looked over and saw Henry staring intently out of the window at two red and black birds perched on the back fence. He was transfixed, his eyes wide as they flew away. Sometimes in blogging I feel like it's easy to feel like there isn't much to say if you aren't out doing seemingly amazing things, but sometimes the most interesting and beautiful things happen right at home, and the beauty in your everyday world is the most special thing there is. Because really, I think these are the days I'll always cherish the most, and the ones I will always want to remember- the normal, everyday kind of days. 

Lucky

Sometimes I feel like I might be stranger than most people because I think about morbid things like death or loss a little too much. I don't know if you're like this too, but sometimes in a super happy moment or time I'll think about how it won't always be like this and how things always won't be so good. Weird, right? It's only for a second though, but in a way I think it almost helps me really enjoy those good times because I'm hyper-aware of them happening. Sometimes I'll start thinking about this with my parents and it brings me to tears. I recently lost my Grandma and it's bizarre to think about one day losing my own parents. It feels weird to even vocalize this kind of thing here, but it was on my mind as I've spent the past few days with my sweet mama and enjoyed every second of it. I love her SO much, so so much. I can't imagine my world without her, and I can't even begin to think about losing my Mom, like my Dad did a few months ago. So I keep focusing on the now, on the little moments I have with my parents. I take it all in. The way my Mom always seems to have a piece of dark chocolate in her hand anytime after 8pm, how my Dad will always wash my car on a sunny Sunday afternoon. I relish in the hugs and kisses my Mom gives me, even when I pretend to hate it, like my 16-year old self. I love my Dad's tough shell but sweet, sweet heart and my Mom's constant sunshine. I pay attention to the small details, the "make sure you call us when you get home," the "be safe" my Dad always has to say as his last words as we pull out of their driveway, and the way Henry runs to my Mom, arms outstretched, "up up up!"  I take in every single little bit I can, because I know one day it won't be like this. And maybe I'm really weird for having these thoughts, but in a way I'm grateful for them because they remind me to be in the now, and to really pay attention. I never want to take a moment of it for granted.

Hourglass

Time is a funny thing. It's a theme in my life, if not the governing force. I think about it often. It makes me sad (it's going by too quickly), and it makes me immeasurably happy (another day to spend with my loves). I'm obsessed with it, in a way. I write about it all the time- I often think I have too much of a hold on the olden, golden days. I often think about the fact that I loved my childhood so much that it makes me want to cry knowing it's gone. But then I look at my little darling boy and know that I get to do it again, and make it even better for him.

I think back to when Henry was a baby, the tiniest thing, all nestled in my arms. I remember waking up, and up again, throughout the night. Groundhog Day, repeat, repeat. There were times where I was so tired that I wasn't sure if I would even make it to the morning (dramatic as always), and there were times where I wanted someone, anyone to help me because I felt lost trying to figure out this new job with no handbook or trainer or anyone to say "here, let me show you." But because of my obsession with time and thinking about that little hourglass' sand drop-drop-dropping away in the back of my mind I know those hard nights were to be savored.  Even the worst times, when we didn't know why he was crying, if he would ever stop, the nights where we would take turns pacing with our little man in our arms, crying, inconsolable...those were also the best times. While we were right smack dab in the middle of it I can distinctly remember thinking that this would never, ever happen again. It was depressing and beautiful and real, and knowing that there was such an expiration date on all of it made my heart ache from both loss' anticipation but also because there was so much more goodness to come.

Parenthood is funny like that. It's all too easy to spend your time feeling frustrated with the state you're in, only to miss it when it's gone. What I know for sure is that I don't want to wake up and have my little love all grown up, wondering where it all went. So I will keep being obsessed with the time I have, I will continue to keep my finger on the pulse of this hourglass, I will keep feeling like every single stage is the best part of it all. I will be in the very moment I'm in. Wailing Henry, crying Henry, smiling Henry, little baby, little crawler, little toddler. And when those hard times come, as all hard times inevitable do, I will always remember to whisper to myself, "this is it, this is life." And enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.

Thoughts On Change

I don't know what it is, but lately I've been in the most introspective, analytical mood ever.  Maybe it's because Henry just turned one in November, maybe it's because these are the last months before I hit the big 3-0, who knows...but I've been thinking a lot about the past few years and everything I've learned. 2011 was such a year of growth- obviously having a child is a huge part of that- but I think it goes beyond just becoming a Mom.

The other night before bed I spent an hour or so reading back through the archives here.  Even though this blog is only a few years old, reading some of my earlier entries made me laugh (and cringe). I sounded so naive, so idealistic...and I think this past year has really carried me into a place of reality, with myself and with others. I think for a long time I was still figuring out who I was- and really, do we ever know? As expected I'm still learning something new everyday, but I definitely know the kind of person I want to be- and more than anything that person is positive, loving, and kind in all situations. It's simple really- I want to be my best self, and I want to surround myself with positive people who are also working towards the same.

I've had so many long discussions with Hank about the intricacies of personality; about how we have these things ingrained in us that are so difficult to change. Possible, yes. But often very hard. As far as me, I have things I am always working on. Take a positive attitude for example: some days it comes naturally, but other days it's a decision, and some days I don't really even want to expend the energy to get there. Is that weird? It's like I know I'm in a bad mood and it's a simple fix, but I just continue to go along in my negativity rather than change. I'll be fully aware of it but yet do nothing to shift it. It's interesting to me, to be totally self-aware but yet still not be able to change exactly when you'd like to. I know change comes gradually through repeated effort to get there, but it's still interesting to think about how amazing the human mind is, both in its willingness to change and stubbornness not to.

What works for me is looking at life on a day by day basis. I'm a huge big-picture thinker and I'm always dreaming of the future, but when I know I need to work on something it's important for me to stay grounded and focused on the now. Cutting out sugar was hard in the beginning, but I took it day by day and all of a sudden I find myself finishing up a month of sugar-free living, and I feel proud of this accomplishment. So right now I'm just taking each day for what it is, a chance to be the best person, wife, and mother I can be; a daily chance to achieve small goals that eventually work into the bigger picture. I know that if yesterday I found myself in a negative place, today I can change my attitude and be kinder to myself and those around me. I know that if I get into a disagreement, if I didn't make good food choices, if I was more lazy than productive, then right now I can do it differently. And doing this day after day, making small decisions to be better, leads to positivity being a part of the majority of your days. Then weeks. Then months...

Most of all I'm trying to be kinder to myself. I'm a perfectionist by nature but I'm learning that nothing will ever work out to be exactly how I planned or pictured. And that's okay. I'm not a fortune-teller, so any firm expectation I have in my mind will never be met, because it's impossible to see what lies ahead. All I can do is keep working on little things everyday, accepting myself, and moving positively forward. It's exciting really, seeing changes, and totally satisfying to take a step back and know that you are in fact accomplishing goals you've set out for yourself, no matter how long it takes.

So with that said, is there anything you find yourself working on, on a daily basis? Do you have anything about yourself you want or need to change but have a hard time doing so? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Thanks for reading. xoxo

Now and Then

2002 and 2011

The other day I was reading back in my Livejournal and I came across an entry from 2008. I scrolled down through the comments and noticed that my best friend Sarah and I had had a little conversation right there about "fixing" our friendship.  It struck me as notable, because this was the summer after I had gotten married. I remember pretty vividly not being in each other's lives very much during that time, but reading through our exchange there on that old website brought back all of the details I had somehow forgotten.

Sarah and I had gone to the same high school but didn't actually know each other over those four years. It wasn't until my sophomore year in college that we met via a mutual friend, who just so happened to be her then-boyfriend. He invited me over to hang out with their group of friends one night, and I still remember meeting Sarah for the very first time. She was this tiny little thing- part ballerina, part huge light-up-the-room smile, and her positive energy and excitement for life was contagious. We had an instant "oh my god I love you!" friendship connection. We spent hours and hours talking, and from that moment on we were inseparable. We did everything together- sleepovers, shopping, long nights out dancing, saw each other through tears and heartache, and later when she broke up with that boyfriend, we dated two new boys that happened to be friends too.

But then things changed and somehow we drifted apart. There were never hard feelings, but she got into a serious relationship at the same time I moved in with another group of friends, and we fell out of our norm. It would have been impossible to keep our friendship going at the same intensity- as life changes relationships change too. And although we understood this, we let what could have been a shift turn into a total end. Maybe it was the excitement of the new loves in our lives, maybe it was simple laziness, but soon enough our girly sleepovers were replaced with overnights with our significant others and our all night chat fests were interrupted by date nights. And even though we both got this shift- we each were so happy in these new lives- we didn't put the effort in with each other, we assumed we'd always be there, and consequently our friendship failed.

For years we didn't talk much. I thought about reaching out all of the time, and later I found out that she did too. It hurt a lot, losing someone I considered to be one of my closest friends, but I was never angry. I fully understood, but it was still sad. Time went by, and soon I was engaged to Hank. Sarah and her now-husband Andy came to the wedding and I still remember them being some of the last people there to see us off at the end of the night. I missed her so badly, and I still remember feeling sad she wasn't up there with me as a bridesmaid.

Over those next few months though we started talking more. We got back in touch, and we made plans to meet for lunch at Pita Jungle one summer day. I remember sitting in my car beforehand feeling so anxious- I felt as if so much had changed. What if we were totally different people? What if we didn't get along anymore? What if lunch was terribly awkward? What if, what if? But lunch came and went, and it was absolutely wonderful. It felt as if no time had passed- we laughed, we cried, then we laughed some more. She was still the same friend I'd always known. Yes, everything was different, we were different, but at our cores we were the same silly, fun-loving girls we'd always been. Our friendship had just taken a little break.

That fall we got back to being close. We spent weekends together, having sleepovers and crazy nights out. And for the next three years we continually put in the effort. It's weird though, to think back to that time we weren't in each others' lives. And even weirder was to stumble upon that aforementioned Livejournal comment, where Sarah talks about how sad it is that we aren't friends but that if it mattered, it was up to us to make the effort. "You take people for granted when you think they'll always be there and then POOF! one day they aren't and they've moved on..." It's remarkable to me to be able to see the turning point in our friendship- to see the moment when we both decide to move forward and start anew. I feel so grateful that we did decide to put forth effort, and at the same time it's horrible to think about us not doing that. I can't imagine my life without her.

I feel lucky to call quite a few amazing women my friends. Many of my closest friends don't live near by- one is off at college, another lives two hours south- but in each of these relationships, effort is so important. I might not talk to them everyday, and some not every week, but at the root of it, we know that we are there for each other. We keep it going. I am incredibly guilty of getting so wrapped up in my own life that I fail at holding up my end of the the friendship, but I consciously work at it and as I've gotten older I've gotten a little better at it. It can be hard, but what it comes down to is this: a connection is a connection, and in this life we meet so few people we genuinely click with that it would be a shame to not to put forth the effort to have that person in your life.

I thought of this as I stood up at Sarah's wedding this fall, as her Matron of Honor. I thought about how far we had come, abut how we almost lost such an important part of our lives. It's a true lesson in the power of action and just following through with the things that are in your heart. So often we think things like "I miss this person," or "I wish they were still in my life." Friendships and people can at times come and go as life changes, but I wonder if any of you have someone that you miss too. An old friend you fell our of touch with, a disagreement over something silly that you can't even remember now. Maybe you didn't put in effort, felt guilty, then avoided the situation. I've been there. Cheesy as it sounds, if any of this resonated with you, I encourage you to just make a call, send an email, and let that friend know you're thinking of them. I think about Sarah and how were went from years of not talking to spending a night like we did tonight, sitting on my old bed at my parents', giggling and tearing up while watching her wedding video. It's hard to move forward sometimes, but in the end I feel that if you have the desire to make the effort then you truly have nothing to lose. Because honestly, why not?

Thanks for reading. I hope you have the best night. :)
xo

Best of 100: Some quick thoughts about blogging.

Earlier today I was going through some of our photos, trying to decide which ones I wanted to print, when I stopped on this one. Everything in this picture makes me laugh. Henry's frustration in the monster costume's head piece is obvious, but beyond the cute "he's going to just looove this photo when he's older," there's a bit more here that got my wheels turning.

I started thinking about blogging. And how I might take 100 photos, but I'll post 20 here. And guess what? Those 20 photos are the best of the bunch. If we're talking about this past Halloween we probably tried for a good 10 minutes to get Henry to keep his hat on long enough so we could capture the image of him dressed up for his first trick-or-treat. If I wanted to I could have posted 20 photos of our squirmy little costume-hating boy, arching his back and just not having it, but that wouldn't be pretty to look at would it? So I put up the good ones, where we got a slight smile and we're all looking at the camera.

And isn't that kind of blogging in a nutshell for most people?  Putting your best self forward. And adding to the idea of taking 100 photos and choosing the best, there might be 100 moments in a day that I could blog about. I'm going to choose just a few and leave the rest. In my world, on my blog, I choose the positive. I choose to share the happy moments, and although I try to touch on random things here or there, even if I was in the worst mood, was a total brat to my husband, or just felt totally sad all day, I won't usually get into it. But it still exists. And I think as a reader (and writer) of blogs it's important to remember this. It's so easy to get caught up in the very attractive world that's put out there. Many years ago when I was just starting out in the whole online thing I can remember feeling those very unwelcome pangs of not measuring up when I'd take a peek at so many other sites or blogs that portrayed a "perfect" life. Although I was so happy in what I was doing, there always seemed to be someone else doing something so much cooler. As I got older and wiser though I realized that yes, of course there is. There always will be. The key to happiness to be happy with you. And if you're not, be inspired and change it. Getting lost in wishing your life was like someone else's is the biggest waste of time there is, and just feeds into that negative mindset. Blogs have the potential to play a huge role in that because essentially these sites are just little windows into other peoples' lives. You just need to choose with what perspective you're viewing from.

I think at times that because I am a happy person that really, really thrives on positivity, this blog often reflects only that. I try and be 110% me at all times here, as authentic as I can get (without throwing in some curse words), but still, this space is only a small part of me and my days. I try and remember that same thing when I am reading other blogs too, and I think it's an important thing to keep in in the back of your mind as you both read and write. 

That's all. I wasn't even going to blog again tonight but I was working on a project for another site and got sidetracked looking at photos, then started thinking, and now, here we are. :)

xoxo

Finding your place- tips for new bloggers.

 

source

I get emails almost everyday asking for tips on blogging, how to start blogging, ways to grow readership, etc., so I thought I would take a few of these questions and post about them every so often.

The first thing you need to know about me and this blog is that I never, ever intended for it to grow as it did. I started out with four or five readers just a few years ago, and it just grew and grew as I invested more time into it.  By nature I am a writer; most of my readers know this, but my undergrad degree was in English Literature and my Master's is in English Education. I taught high school English for close to six years before stepping away to become a full-time stay at home Mom, but even so, reading and writing are still a huge part of my life and I end each day doing one or the other.

For me, my blog is my creative outlet. I enjoy having a space to write in everyday, and the fact that people want to read it is just a really fun bonus. As time has gone on of course having readers changes the shape of blogging a little- if this blog really was just for me I definitely wouldn't have giveaways or link posts- but they're fun. And giveaways are my way of saying "thank you" to my readers and offer them a chance to win something awesome that I've either used before or can totally endorse.

But when it comes down to it, this blog is still about me. I post about my life, stories from my past and present, hopes for my future, things I love, etc. I try and stay true to that. It's hard to not get caught up in the competition aspect of blogging; so-and-so has this many more hits a month, this many readers, so on and so forth. But the moment I feel that way I yank myself right out of that mentality because at the root of it, it's ridiculous. How on earth could I compare my blog to someone else's? This is about my life and that's where it is unique. I am me, and you are you. Comparing it to another is like apples and oranges (see my post on "blog-petition" here). So I step back, I remind myself of my reasons for doing this, and get back to the basics.  I want to enjoy this space and feel like I am creating something tangible from all of our little moments, putting something out there, and using my brain on a daily basis. I don't want this to be a negative place by my own creation.

It's taken me a few years to get to this point though. And I still get those feelings every so often of not measuring up. Although I'm still not sure who or what exactly I'm measuring up to- I think at times in anything creative it's possible construct this ruler in our minds that we hold ourselves to. It's silly though, because if you're blogging for you, the rest of it should just fall to the side. Luckily now I know that this disenchantment I feel is only a passing mood and if I just get back to what's important and take some time to work on a personal post or something from my heart...I feel a-okay. Because like I said above, that's the reason I do this.

With all of that said, here are a few tips for new bloggers. I'm by no means an expert, but I think some of you may find this helpful and at the lease it's a good reminder for myself!

1. Blog to blog.

Such simple advice but so important.  When people ask me how to "grow" their blog, I usually don't know what to tell them outside of this. I feel like when you start a blog and try and gain readers and followers and what ever else, that is so obvious to other people. And don't get me wrong, there is a time and place for doing that...but to me, that isn't considered a blog, it's considered a business. In my case, my blog became a business in a way when I started accepting sponsors, but that was only after I had many readers, and at the root of it I am still doing what I love 100%. The sponsors are an added bonus and make me feel so lucky every day that I am able to make money doing what I love. I do believe that if I would have gone into this trying to get to the point of having ads, trying to make money...I would have failed. But instead it took me a few years, writing and writing everyday, meeting other people, putting myself out there...and it happened very naturally.  I blogged to blog. So that is my best advice to new bloggers. Just keep doing what you're doing, and keep your purpose at the front of your mind, be it a creative outlet, meeting new people, or finding a community you feel a part of.

2. Don't get discouraged.

This follows along with number one. So great, you're blogging to blog. But no one's reading it. You feel like you're putting yourself out there, creating these awesome posts, but all you hear are crickets. Oh gosh. Let me tell you- I know how rough it can feel to try at something (and try and try again) and to feel like you're just staying in the same place.  And in blogging I think it's so much easier to be really aware of this because it's simple to look and see a lack of comments or numbers or readers. But seriously, do not give up if it's something you really love doing. None of that stuff is important and everyone has to start somewhere. When you feel discouraged, remember that there is always at least one person who is reading what you have to say, valuing you, and enjoying it. The more you interact with others, the more you will be able to meet people who "get" you, and get what your blog is all about. And if you are just blogging to blog, that will radiate out. Like attracts like, so if you put it out there, you're bound to meet others on the same wavelength.

3. Find your place.

Everyone has something they love, something they excel at, something that makes them really happy. The best part about blogging is that you are able to put it out into the world and make friends with like-minded folks. There are all sorts of blogs from fashion to lifestyle to mommy blogs, cooking blogs to religion-based blogs.  And this isn't to say that you need to choose an identity and stick to it, in a blogging-tunnel vision sort of way. By "finding your place" I mean finding what works for you.  Sometimes Sweet is considered a lifestyle blog, and I like that, because I like to post about anything and everything that I want. I've tried out all sorts of posts, and when I feel like I'm most me is through posts like this, my Journal Day posts, or my random posts about my day.  I feel proud of the posts where I've written something I can stand behind. Posts I hate doing? Fashion posts, outfit posts, etc. I tried (and tried again) to get into them, but I feel no joy putting on an outfit and taking photos of it. For some people, this is what makes them happy and it's totally a part of what makes their blog theirs'. But for me, no. Figuring this out was an important part of figuring out my blog's identity. I tried for awhile to get into it, accepted clothing from companies and sponsors, but found myself getting incredibly stressed out and pressured to blog about these items. I felt like it wasn't me. This past year I stopped doing things I didn't enjoy or felt that pressure to do. I took a long look at my blog and decided what direction I wanted it to go into, and then did that. For me that means things like Journal Day, more daily posts, and enjoying going out and taking quality photos when I can. If you are having trouble figuring it out what exactly you want out of your blog, try giving yourself a schedule, and try out all different types of posts. Maybe Monday do a music post, Tuesday, inspiration. Wednesday an outfit post, Thursday talk about something important to you. So on and so forth. By the end of a couple of weeks you will have figured out what works for you, and what doesn't. Or maybe it ALL works for you, which would be awesome too.

Overall, remember that whenever you are creating something original and putting it out into the world it is truly perfect, because you created it. And when you are being your 100% true, authentic self, nothing is more attractive. I promise that if you keep doing what you're doing, eventually you will find yourself surrounded by like-minded people.

But one last thought before I go...and this one is the most important of ALL...

4. Remember that a blog is just that, a BLOG.

It's so easy to get sucked into this crazy, social media-fueled internet world. If you wanted to you could spend hours reading blogs, commenting, writing, going back and forth, clicking and clicking and clicking on link after link. Things might start to seem more important than they are, you might get caught up in feeling sad about comments or numbers or readers, like I mentioned above. But guess what? Real life out there, that's what's important. All of this stuff is actually really silly. And that's not to downplay everything I said up there, because hello, I LOVE blogging and it does hold importance in my life. But to me, this space here is supposed to be a little supplement to my world. An add-on. Something that brings me joy, a hobby, a way to put a little bit of my creativity out there. So if you feel crappy more than happy (total unintentional rhyme) about this whole thing, than take a step back and ask yourself why it really matters anyway. Because it doesn't.

Happy blogging! xo